Paths Through Divorce (4/7): Divorce Myths and Financial Guidance

If you found yourself facing a divorce, likely the first thing you did was Google. Let me tell you why that might not be a good idea for you. When I meet with clients first meeting, often they come in with all sorts of information from the internet, and we spend a lot of time doing what I call myth busting because there's so much misinformation out there and myth.

That you might see online, or maybe if you've told your neighbor or your friends, you're getting a divorce, you're gonna get all this unsolicited advice and information, which is well-meaning, but may not really have any basis. In fact. So one of the first ones, people come to me, they'll say, ah, I'm going through this divorce.

I really need a. Bulldog or a shark. And I always say to them, have you ever had a bulldog? They eat a lot and make a big mess, so maybe that's not what you need. Now in the animal kingdom, if you're up for a fight, yes, you want a bulldog or a shark, but this is divorce and this is dealing with a family and quite possibly children.

So rather than having that bulldog who is out to destroy [00:01:00] and tear up. it's better to have someone who's a good negotiator, someone who is going to have your back and advocate for you, but maybe is a better chess player than a tackle football player, because at the end of the day, a divorce is in negotiation of a settlement, and in order to get that accomplished, you really need someone who's very competent at doing that.

So it's best to choose someone who is that better chess player than that. Fierce animal in the wild. So that's one of the first myths that I often encounter. The second is people will say to me, who's the best divorce attorney? You know, well, there isn't one. So I always say to them let's figure out the best divorce attorney.

For you now, I will talk to different attorneys all of the time, and try and find out what their specialty is so that I have that for my clients. Some are good at custody, some are good at international dividing international assets. Some are better at dividing a business or complex investments, but you [00:02:00] really need to find the best attorney for you.

And that's about finding someone who you can communicate, who will listen to you. Who will be on your side, but also who may have experienced or worked with a case like yours over and over, and that's really gonna be much more valuable than the attorney that your aunt's, cousin's friend said was the best one for you.

The next thing I hear a lot of people coming to me, especially in the state of California, if you have a marriage longer than 10 years, technically there's no end to spousal support. So I will hear, oh, I'm gonna get spousal support forever. And I always say yes, but, and that is because spousal support comes from the person earning the money.

If something happens to them, if they get laid off, if they are disabled, if they pass away that spousal support stops, or at the very least can be modified if they're making less money. So that li idea of being, getting a [00:03:00] lifetime check is really a huge myth because it's only based on how that earning person is doing.

And there's no I remind people there's no bucket of money at the courthouse that the judge dips into to pay your, you spousal support or alimony or maintenance, whatever you're calling it. so it's important to know there may not technically be an end to your support order. But it can end. So we always need to have a plan B just in case that happens.

The other one I hear all the time is I need to be kept at my marital standard of living. Once this divorce is done, I should be able to maintain my marital standard of living. if you think about it. Divorce is a division, not a multiplication problem. So likely you've got one income stream or maybe two, but it's the same income stream, and now it has to support two households instead of one.

Now there are cases where people make multiples of what they spend, and it is [00:04:00] possible for two households to maintain a relatively similar lifestyle. But for the most part, we're going to have to make some concessions. We're gonna have to make some hard choices, and that's okay, but just understanding that myth of the marital standard of living.

I even get clients coming in saying, my attorney told me to spend more money so I boost my marital standard of living. you can always spend more than you make. A lot of people do, but that doesn't mean there's gonna be more money there to divide. It just means you're going to be dipping into your savings and ultimately at the end of the divorce process, you may have to write a check back to the other spouse.

So big consideration to think about. The other way, marital standard of living comes in is actually a cap. On what you will receive in spousal support because if after the divorce is final, you go on your way your supporting spouse wins the lottery doubles their income, your spousal support does not go up because the marital standard of living is what the income was [00:05:00] prior to the divorce.

So I just wanna clear that one up. It's a common one that I hear. And the last one is really thinking that your attorney is gonna be your therapist and your financial advisor. I remind people if you're sitting with your attorney expecting to come out with a therapy session, you're gonna have a really high paid therapist who's really poorly qualified.

So save those emotional talks and that emotional support for an actual therapist. And I highly recommend having someone help you emotionally through the process. And on the financial side, attorneys go to law school. They don't go to financial planning school. They don't have the background. They will tell you what assets you are entitled to and what the spousal support and the child support might be.

So the income streams, but they're not there to tell you how to manage it going forward. They're not there to tell you which of the half of the assets might be best for you. If it's good to keep the house or even try to keep. The house. That's where you need someone like me. I'm a financial advisor and a [00:06:00] certified Divorce financial analyst or CDFA, and that's my role is to help you make those good financial decisions.

So when you go to Google divorce, just understand it's probably better to have a conversation with a professional so that you can bust some of those myths.